The Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships

A Division of JF Milne Publications RESOURCES FOR EDUCATORS Solutions for Separated Couples

Resources for Educators

The Center is frequently asked by instructors and professors for information to assist them in developing a lecture or discussion group on long distance relationships. Often these are Introduction to Interpersonal Relations classes in the departments of psychology, sociology, or communication. We provide a lesson plan / syllabus designed for college level classes (although with some modifications may be appropriate for high school). This presentation is available in HTML, PDF, or PowerPoint presentation.

You may also want to check out recent research on long distance couples or see our recent news releases.

The Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships and JF Milne Publications grants permission for instructors and professors to reproduce the information on this website, including the PowerPoint presentations for the sole purpose of education or research. Reproduction of any material for the purpose of sales or profit is not permitted.

Long Distance Relationships

An Introduction to Geographically Separated Couples

Gregory Guldner, MD, MS

Director, The Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships

Goals

¨ Develop a basic understanding of long distance relationships

¨ Dispel common myths about long distance relationships

¨ Learn some simple techniques to support those in LDRs

Objectives

¨ Understand LDRs:

– Defining LDRs

– Prevalence of LDRs

– Do LDRs work?

– Difficulties with LDRs

– Advantages of LDRs

¨ Support for those in LDRs

Understanding LDRs

¨ Understand

– Defining LDRs

– Prevalence of LDRs

– Do LDRs work?

– Difficulties with LDRs

– Advantages of LDRs

Defining an LDR

¨ Specific distance cut-off

¨ Specific location cut-off

¨ Self-defining

– “My partner lives far enough away from me that it would be very difficult or impossible for us to see one another every day.”

Understanding LDRs

¨ Understand

– Defining LDRs

– Prevalence of LDRs

– Do LDRs work?

– Difficulties with LDRs

– Advantages of LDRs

Prevalence of LDRs

¨ Marital LDRs

¨ Pre-Marital

– College Student

National Longitudinal Study of the High School Class of 1972

¨ 3.31% of 7191 married respondents were living in a different location than spouse

¨ Of military marriages 27% of White and 63% of African-American couples were living apart.

¨ 10% of all job relocations result in long distance marriages (1998) and 52% of employers expect transfers to increase.

Pre-Marital LDRs

¨ College Students

¨ Internet Dating

¨ Military

¨ Certain Industries

– Oil

– Fishing

– Logging

¨ College Students

– 25-40% (1993)

– 50% of First Years (1992)

– 33% (1987)

– 25% at any given time and 78% at any point (1996)

Understanding LDRs

¨ Understand

– Defining LDRs

– Prevalence of LDRs

– Do LDRs work?

– Difficulties with LDRs

– Advantages of LDRs

Do LDRs Work?

¨ Marriage or Pre-Marital?

¨ Military / combat or Civilian?

¨ What does it mean “to work”?

– Continuity (break-up rate over time)

– Quality (satisfaction, intimacy, etc)

Do LDRs Break-up More Frequently than PRs?

¨ Pre-marital studies have found no greater rate of dissolution in LDRs than PRs

– Guldner. J. College Student Dev, 1996;37;289-295

– Van Horn, et al. Personal Relationships, 1997;4;25-34

– Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279

– Stephen. Journal of Divorce, 1984;8;1-17

¨ No adequate data on marital LDRs

– Rindfuss & Stephen. J. Marriage and the Family, 1990;52;259-270.

Do LDRs Have Poorer Quality Relationships Than Do PRs?

¨ The majority of studies show no differences between LDRs and PRs on measures of

– Satisfaction

– Intimacy

– Trust

– Commitment

¨ Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320

¨ Govaerts & Dixon. Int. J. Adv. Counseling. 1988l;11;265-281

¨ Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279

¨ Woelfel & Savell. Military Families. 1978;17-31

¨ Gerstel & Gross. Commuter Marriage. 1984.

¨ Stephen. Human Com Res. 1986; 13;191-210

¨ Delmann-Jenkins, et al. College Stud J. 1994;28;212-219

¨ Timmerman. Doctoral Thesis. U. of Texas. 2001.

Understanding LDRs

¨ Understand

– Defining LDRs

– Prevalence of LDRs

– Do LDRs work?

– Difficulties with LDRs

– Advantages of LDRs

Difficulties Associated with LDRs

¨ The Individual

– Depression

• Military Separations

– Clinical Depression

• Civilian

– Guldner, GT. Long Distance Romantic Relationships: Prevalence and Separation-related Symptoms. J College Student Development, 1996; 37; 289-295.

– Clinical Depression no more likely in LDR than in PR

– Minor Depressive symptoms common

– Feeling blue, lack of interest, difficulty making decisions, difficulty concentrating

Difficulties Associated with LDRs

¨ The Individual

– Anxiety

• Uncertainty

• Jealousy / Sexual Affairs

• Dis-inhibition (loss of support)

– Guilt

• Violating norms

• Choice of career “over” relationship

– Emotional “rollercoaster”

Difficulties Associated with LDRs

¨ The Relationship

– Myths (Dissolution, Quality, Finances)

– Relationship momentum slowed

• Progress toward marriage more slowly

• Break-up more slowly

– Idealization and Disillusionment

– Difficulties in Communication

– Sexuality at a Distance

– Re-integration

– Assessment of the Status of the Relationship

Understanding LDRs

¨ Understand

– Defining LDRs

– Prevalence of LDRs

– Do LDRs work?

– Difficulties with LDRs

– Advantages of LDRs

Advantages of an LDR

¨ Individual Productivity

¨ Novelty

– Avoids the “taken-for-granted” aspect of PRs

– Plan exciting activities

¨ Compartmentalization

– Intimacy / autonomy fulfillment

¨ Idealization

Demographics

¨ Easily measured components of LDR (distance, duration, frequency of visits, etc)

¨ Not very important

¨ Frequency of face-to-face visits not correlated with satisfaction

¨ Frequency of telephone calls negatively correlated with satisfaction

¨ Frequency of letters predicts satisfaction

Support for those in LDRs

¨ Types of Support

– Emotional

– Appraisal

– Informational

– Instrumental

¨ Sources of Support

– Partner

– Family

– Friends

– Context

Supporting LDRs

¨ Emotional Stages of Separation

¨ Staying Emotionally Healthy

¨ Maintaining Intimacy

¨ Frequency of Contact

¨ Hellos & Goodbyes

¨ Conflict at a Distance

¨ Long Distance Sex

¨ Sexual Affairs

¨ Dating Others

¨ Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting LDRs:
Understanding Separation

¨ Emotional Stages of Separation

– Bowlby / Animal Studies / Evolutionary Psych

• Protest (Anger, Bargaining)

• Despair (Depression to various degrees)

• Detachment (Productive or Destructive)

– Kubler-Ross

• Denial and Isolation

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

Supporting LDRs

¨ Emotional Stages of Separation

¨ Staying Emotionally Healthy

¨ Maintaining Intimacy

¨ Frequency of Contact

¨ Hellos & Goodbyes

¨ Conflict at a Distance

¨ Long Distance Sex

¨ Sexual Affairs

¨ Dating Others

¨ Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting LDRs: Staying Emotionally Healthy Ten Step Program

¨ Maintain a satisfying relationship

¨ Socialize

¨ Emotional vs. Social Loneliness

¨ Find a Confidant

¨ Touching

¨ Take Control

¨ Positive Thinking / Reframing

¨ View the Separation as Temporary

¨ Acknowledge Contributions

¨ Transitional Objects

¨ Healthy Sexuality

Supporting LDRs

¨ Emotional Stages of Separation

¨ Staying Emotionally Healthy

¨ Maintaining Intimacy

¨ Frequency of Contact

¨ Hellos & Goodbyes

¨ Conflict at a Distance

¨ Long Distance Sex

¨ Sexual Affairs

¨ Dating Others

¨ Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting an LDR: Keys to Maintaining Intimacy

¨ Intimacy Components

– Emotional Sharing

– Interrelatedness

¨ Emotional Sharing

– LDRs may do this more easily than PRs

¨ Interrelatedness

– Central Issue for LDR Intimacy

– Focus on the mundane

• Serial vs. Parallel Communication

Supporting LDRs

¨ Emotional Stages of Separation

¨ Staying Emotionally Healthy

¨ Maintaining Intimacy

¨ Frequency of Contact

¨ Hellos & Goodbyes

¨ Conflict at a Distance

¨ Long Distance Sex

¨ Sexual Affairs

¨ Dating Others

¨ Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting an LDR: Contact

¨ Face-to-face visits

– Conflicting research

– Opinion suggests at least once a month

– Early studies had design issues

• Carpenter & Knox. College Student J.1986; 28:86-88

– Failed vs. successful; contact related for men only

• Holt & Stone. J College Student Dev. 1988; 29:136-141

– Definition of LDR

• Groves & Horm-Wingerd. Soc Social Res. 1991;75:212-216

– Outcome “happier” with relationship

¨ Larger studies & longitudinal studies

– No correlation or impact of frequency of face-to-face visits for continuity or quality or relationship

• Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320

• Schwebel, et al. J. College Student Dev. 1992; 33:222-230

• Guldner. Purdue Univ, Dept. of Psych. 1992

¨ Strategies based on increasing visits likely will not work – any frequency okay

Supporting an LDR: Contact

¨ Telephone Calls

– No evidence to suggest positive correlation or threshold effect

– Frequency may be negatively correlated

• More calls more conflict?

• More conflict more calls?

Supporting an LDR: Contact

¨ Writing Letters.

– Cross-sectional.

• Strong correlation between frequency of letters and relationship quality.

– Longitudinal.

• Couples who stayed together wrote one another almost twice as often as those who broke-up.