Terms of Use

This is our Terms of Use page for long distance relationships dot net.

Our Terms of Use were last updated on October 12, 2013.

Woah! Hi there! We are very surprised to see you here.

We never expect people to visit the Terms of Use Page. We have to include this because our lawyers made us do it. If we do not, they make sure we never win any cases (they are probably listening right now). At first, we did not want to include this page because we thought it was annoying and extremely difficult to read. We can always just scroll past it, right? However, upon actually reading it (which was tedious and boring) we realized it was important! What a marvelous Digital Awakening! This is why we decided to translate it from boring technical English into a much easier to read style. This way we do not have to worry about our lawyers spying on us or accusing you of anything.

This lovely site, that you will no doubt fall in love with, is to be used for personal entertainment, communication, education, information gathering and gratification of your cybersenses (we got that last one from our lawyers!)

This means that you can go browse the site and check things out, but please be sure that you do not try to steal anything. Sure, you can download things, but do not try to manipulate the copyright symbols or anything. Our lawyers say that we can dole out some neat punishments regarding your finances and Internet credibility if you do. There is a good reason that you do not want to mess with our copyrights. This reason is that it is ours and we own it. You do not own it; we do not share, so you cannot use it. This means that you do not want to modify, transmit, share, reuse, re post, or do anything like that with the pictures, sounds, video, or any other information on here without our permission.

We will not give you permission, so please do not try. However, we do love the begging that is done prior to us telling you that you cannot use it.

The basics of these Terms of Use are that if you are using this site you have to go by what we say.

It is wonderful, is it not?

You are obligated to obey the terms and conditions (10 Cyber Commandments for Our Site) listed below in accordance with any similar regulations regarding the World Wide Web, the Internet, and basically the entire state of United Kingdom (specifically London). If you have any problems with that, then you really do not need to be on our site and there is no reason for you to be here. You cannot sit with us, so you will have to leave. There is no turning back.

The 10 Rules

For your pleasure, and to cover all our bases, we present to you the 10 Cyber Commandments.

1. You will not use our copyrighted materials.

This means that you cannot use the stuff that you see on this site unless you ask us and we grant you that privilege.

We probably will not grant it to you, so do not ask. We do like to see people beg, though! We actually sometimes want to grant permission but our lawyers always veto our decisions. They are actually vetoing decisions that we will make in the future right now, because they are that powerful. Please do not ask us to use anything.

2. Our information might be accurate, but it might not be, here be tigers, use good judgment!

While we do like to have accurate materials on our site, the fact of the matter is that we sometimes make mistakes.

It is the Internet and that means it might not be true. This means that if you have a brain you will not trust everything you see, but rather use your best judgment. If you use the information that you gathered from our wonderful site and end up blowing a hole in your computer, or dividing by zero and creating an inter-dimensional black hole in your living room, it is not our fault, but we would love pictures! We are not liable for anything that happens to you, so you are on your own.

3. We love and protect those who helped to create, deliver, or produce our site.

If a person or company took part in working on or creating our wonderful site, those people are not going to be held liable if you mess your computer up. Our lawyer’s just teleported in from the future to let us know that you already thought about trying to pull one over on us, so they suggested (read; forced). They told us to let you know in the following quotations. It is super important!

“Any incidental, direction, consequential, punitive, or indirect damages that happen to you on or because of this site is not our fault. You are getting everything here at face value with no hidden surprises. There are no expressed, implied, or included warranties of any kind to protect you when you visit here. You are not going to be a refund on your time spent. You cannot get us for infringement at all (we can get you for infringement, though). Please take into consideration that although some places might exclude warranties, so some of these things might not apply to you. They will probably apply to you, though, unless you are a VIP or something. Check the laws and regulations of your area to see what is okay and what is not okay. Just don’t copy us or make us responsible for your silliness.”

Yes, we did change a few things in there so that it does not sound so serious, but the bottom line is that if you suddenly become the owner of an artificial intelligence that tries to take over your life because you clicked the wrong combination of links on our site, it is not our fault. The above protects us from these things. We would love to hear about it though (except our lawyers probably will not allow it).

4. Don’t post naughty things that have you in them, or that you did. We will share them with EVERYBODY you know.

The Internet is a big place that likes to keep everything that goes into it.

Like a kid during Halloween with candy. This means that if you share anything on our site, even if you tell us it is private, we are probably going to share it. This is because our disclosure agreements make anything that pops into our site our property. This means that we are going to be able to do anything we want with it. We can transmit, publish, broadcast it, start a new religion with it, or reproduce it (the possibilities for making embarrassing cyber babies is endless). We can even post it somewhere else if we want to. We will also be able to use that information you posted for our own means. You know that magical family secret you were honor bound not to betray to the world? It is ours now, yay! Sorry, but we warned you not to upload anything private.

Anything that you post on here that is secret, technical knowledge, expertise, concepts, or ideas both imaginary and tangible, are going to be ours.

5. The pictures on this site are ours! Not yours! We do not share.

If you see really awesome pictures on here, please understand that they are either our property or the property of people that we have permission from to use them.

This means that they are not yours, not ever, not even to use for one day. They are our property so you cannot share them with your friends and post them on your site. Well, you can, if you get our permission. However, our permission will not happen because of our time travelling lawyers. They will nip it in the bud before it even starts to happen. Makes our lives much easier! If you download anything from here you need to keep it to yourself, do not share it, and you will be fine.

6. Trademarks, logos, and service marks on our site do not belong to you, do not use them.

You will probably see some neat logos, trademarks, and services marks on here.

These belongs to us, or people that trusted us to use them. They cannot be used for your own nefarious purposes, or because they look awesome on that “epic great sword” you designed. Do not think that you have the right to use them because you do not. If you do not leave them alone and try to remove them from their wonderfully comfortable digital habitat, we will be forced to activate our lawyers. They will do terrible things to your credibility and bank accounts. We will probably also go into a Berserker rage and start a war that will destroy everything you hold dear in terms of finance.

Do you really want to risk a Digital War? We did not think so. Just look and do not touch.

7. Click on our linked sites at your own risk!

You have probably realized that there are bunches of links on our site that go to others.

This is so cool!

However, we do not really pay much attention to those links. We do not know exactly what they contain since we have of many of them. Be careful when you click on them so that you do not accidentally active a soul trap and are sucked into your Internet connection. It might happen. You also need to know that we cannot be held liable, or blamed, if bad things happen to you after you click these links. Proceed at your own risk!

8. We love to spy on what you are doing with our site! It gives us joy.

Since you are on our website, you are going to be using our materials.

This means that if you go on a chat or forum and post things, we are going to see them. We are seeing you read this right now; do you need any more proof? We do not take any responsibility for the content of things on this page because you know the Terms of Use as you are reading them. This means that if you notice any mistakes, obscenity, crazy college keg parties, falsehoods, omissions, libel, slander, defamation, cute animals wearing dresses, or any type of pornography, that we are not to blame.

This also means that you do not post anything that would be considered harassment or threatening. What this means is that you should not post pornographic, mean, nasty, profane, inflammatory, defamatory (naughty sloths whispers of pretty people), libelous, threatening, unlawful or dangerous materials that might be a cause of alarm for us. Doing this will ensure that our lawyers will decide to take a permanent interest with you despite being from the future. They will find you, they will prosecute you, and you will be sad. We will have to press charges and use our considerable resources to make sure you know you did wrong.

Do not press this issue! Just do not post anything bad and you will be fine.

9. All of the programs and software on our site are protected by Patriot Laws and enforced by Patriotic Lawyers.

The lovely thing known as the Patriot Laws ensure that you are not going to be downloading or sending things from our site to places like Iraq, Cuba, Libya, North Korea, Syria, Iran, or anywhere that has United States Embargoed Goods (such as various outlying planets and scary alien civilizations that we don’t want to know about).

In addition, anybody who is deemed as a Specially Designated National by the United States Treasury Department, or is on the U.S. Commerce Departments Table of Deny Orders, are not allowed to see or use our materials or page. If you are a spy, please go away, we do not want trouble. Also, if you are from the moon or any various solar systems outside of the Milky Way, please do not give us any trouble. Delete all of your browsing history and incinerate your computer, as you are not allowed to even be reading this.

10. We can change our page whenever we want, so ha!

This means that we are allowed to at any time change the materials on our page.

It does not matter if you found your life mate inside of a picture on our page, but suddenly that picture is gone. The page belongs to us so we reserve the right to change it on a whim, of which we have many. You are stuck with whatever we do.

The Great Final

The final bit of this ensures that you never have to worry about that dirty word known as “sue”.

Not the name, the actual process of being sued or suing us. We have something from the Geneva Convention, or similar to it, to keep us safe from this. This special agreement is governed and kept in check by the laws of the United Kingdom, so you cannot just do bad things to us without first reading over those laws. This protects you as well! This agreement does not regard principles or conflict of any laws. It means that if you have threatened or violated, or any of its affiliates, that our affiliates and our company are going to be able to seek relief in the appropriate type of state or federal court in United Kingdom.

If there are other types of disputes, they will be dealt with in a different way.

The way they will be dealt with is that we will first try to work out some type of agreement between us without going to court. If this does not work we will get a mediator to help us out, one that is located in United Kingdom. We will then split any costs that arise from this, or from hiring any attorney to help us out. If we cannot work this out in an easy and peaceful way then we will be forced to resort to someone within the American Arbitration Association. This judgment will be final and the award will be rendered to the person the arbitrator deems fit.

This probably came off sounding a bit mean, but you have no idea what our teleporting lawyers of the future wanted us to do.

You have no idea of the atrocities that they wish to inflict upon the guilty. It involves bees, honey, dolphins and a lot of unnecessary squealing. We believe that our way works better!

Send any questions regarding our Terms of Use for via e-mail, you can find our contact information here.

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