Gregory Guldner, MD, MS

Introduction

Goals

¨  Enable therapists, counselors, educators, and other advisors to understand, assess, and support couples in long distance romantic relationships.

¨  Expose an expert audience of professionals to the current state-of-the-art research-based understanding of long distance relationships.

Objectives

¨  Understand LDRs:

–   Defining LDRs

–   Prevalence of LDRs

–   Do LDRs work?

–   Difficulties with LDRs

–   Advantages of LDRs

¨  Assess

–   Demographics

–   Personality

–   Support System

–   Relationship

¨   Support

–    Stages of Separation

–    Staying emotionally healthy

–    Staying intimate

–    Sexuality while separated

–    Communicating

–    Conflict at a distance

–    Sexual Affairs

–    Hellos/Goodbyes

–    Gender differences

–    Ending the separation

Dr. Guldner’s Background

¨  Graduate of Purdue University’s Clinical Psychology program and Stanford University Medical School

¨  Research Focus

–    Propinquity & Dating Relationships, Purdue University, Dept of Psychology, 1992

–    Time Spent Together and Relationship Quality, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships; 12, 1995

–    Long Distance Romantic Relationships, Journal of College Student Development; 37, 1996

–    Long Distance Relationships and Emergency Medicine Residency, Annals of Emergency Medicine; 37, 2001

–    Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide. 2003:JFMilne

¨  Personal Experience

PART I – UNDERSTANDING LDRs

Long Distance Relationships

¨  Understand LDRs

¨  Assess LDRs

¨  Support LDRs

Understanding LDRs

¨  Understand

–   Defining LDRs

–   Prevalence of LDRs

–   Do LDRs work?

–   Difficulties with LDRs

–   Advantages of LDRs

Defining an LDR

¨   Specific distance cut-off

¨   Specific location cut-off

¨   Self-defining

–    My partner lives far enough away from me that it would be very difficult or impossible for us to see one another every day.

Understanding LDRs

¨  Understand

–   Defining LDRs

–   Prevalence of LDRs

–   Do LDRs work?

–   Difficulties with LDRs

–   Advantages of LDRs

Prevalence of LDRs

¨  Marital LDRs

¨  Pre-Marital

–   College Student

National Longitudinal Study of the  High School Class of 1972

¨  3.31% of 7191 married respondents were living in a different location than spouse

¨  Of military marriages 27% of White and 63% of African-American couples were living apart.

¨  10% of all job relocations result in long distance marriages (1998) and 52% of employers expect transfers to increase.

Pre-Marital LDRs

¨   College Students

¨   Internet Dating

¨   Military

¨   Certain Industries

–    Oil

–    Fishing

–    Logging

¨   College Students

–    25-40% (1993)

–    50% of First Years (1992)

–    33% (1987)

–    25% at any given time and 78% at any point (1996)

Understanding LDRs

¨  Understand

–   Defining LDRs

–   Prevalence of LDRs

–   Do LDRs work?

–   Difficulties with LDRs

–   Advantages of LDRs

Do LDRs Work?

¨  Marriage or Pre-Marital?

¨  Military / combat or Civilian?

¨  What does it mean “to work”?

–   Continuity (break-up rate over time)

–   Quality (satisfaction, intimacy, etc)

Do LDRs Break-up More Frequently than PRs?

¨  Pre-marital studies have found no greater rate of dissolution in LDRs than PRs

–    Guldner. J. College Student Dev, 1996;37;289-295

–    Van Horn, et al. Personal Relationships, 1997;4;25-34

–    Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279

–    Stephen. Journal of Divorce, 1984;8;1-17

¨  No adequate data on marital LDRs

–    Rindfuss & Stephen. J. Marriage and the Family, 1990;52;259-270.

Do LDRs Have Poorer Quality Relationships Than Do PRs?

¨   The majority of studies show no differences between LDRs and PRs on measures of

–    Satisfaction

–    Intimacy

–    Trust

–    Commitment

¨     Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320

¨     Govaerts & Dixon. Int. J. Adv. Counseling. 1988l;11;265-281

¨     Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279

¨     Woelfel & Savell. Military Families. 1978;17-31

¨     Gerstel & Gross. Commuter Marriage. 1984.

¨     Stephen. Human Com Res. 1986; 13;191-210

¨     Delmann-Jenkins, et al. College Stud J. 1994;28;212-219

¨     Timmerman. Doctoral Thesis. U. of Texas. 2001.

Understanding LDRs

¨  Understand

–   Defining LDRs

–   Prevalence of LDRs

–   Do LDRs work?

–   Difficulties with LDRs

–   Advantages of LDRs

Difficulties Associated with LDRs

¨  The Individual

–   Depression

•   Military Separations

–  Clinical Depression

•   Civilian

–   Guldner, GT. Long Distance Romantic Relationships: Prevalence and Separation-related Symptoms. J College Student Development, 1996; 37; 289-295.

–   Clinical Depression no more likely in LDR than in PR

–   Minor Depressive symptoms common

–   Feeling blue, lack of interest, difficulty making decisions, difficulty concentrating

Difficulties Associated with LDRs

¨  The Individual

–   Anxiety

•   Uncertainty

•   Jealousy / Sexual Affairs

•   Dis-inhibition (loss of support)

–   Guilt

•   Violating norms

•   Choice of career “over” relationship

–   Emotional “rollercoaster”

Difficulties Associated with LDRs

¨   The Relationship

–    Myths (Dissolution, Quality, Finances)

–    Relationship momentum slowed

•    Progress toward marriage more slowly

•    Break-up more slowly

–    Idealization and Disillusionment

–    Difficulties in Communication

–    Sexuality at a Distance

–    Re-integration

–    Assessment of the Status of the Relationship

Understanding LDRs

¨  Understand

–   Defining LDRs

–   Prevalence of LDRs

–   Do LDRs work?

–   Difficulties with LDRs

–   Advantages of LDRs

Advantages of an LDR

¨  Individual Productivity

¨  Novelty

–   Avoids the “taken-for-granted” aspect of PRs

–   Plan exciting activities

¨  Compartmentalization

–   Intimacy / autonomy fulfillment

¨  Idealization

PART II – ASSESSING LDRs

Long Distance Relationships

¨  Understand LDRs

¨  Assess LDRs

¨  Support LDRs

Assessing an LDR

¨  Personality

¨  Demographics

¨  Support System

¨  Relationship Characteristics

Assessing LDRs

¨  Assess

–   Demographics

–   Personality

–   Support System

–   Relationship

¨  Separation Inventory

Assessing an LDR: Demographics

¨  Least important of the four components

¨  Frequency of face-to-face visits not correlated

¨  Frequency of telephone calls negatively correlated with satisfaction

¨  Frequency of letters predicts satisfaction

Assessing an LDR: Demographics

¨  Other demographics

–   Total duration of the relationship

–   Duration of Separation

–   Duration as a PR prior to LDR

–   Distance

–   Age

Assessing LDRs

¨  Assess

–   Demographics

–   Personality

–   Support System

–   Relationship

¨  Separation Inventory

Assessing an LDR: Personality

¨  Learning Style Inventory

–   Visualizers

–   Verbalizers

–   Touchers

¨  Attachment Styles

–   Secure

–   Avoidant

–   Ambivalent / Anxious

Assessing an LDR: Personality

¨  Self-Esteem

–   Low self-esteem predicts more difficulty with separation

–   Low self-esteem predicts poor relationship quality among LDRs but not PRs

¨  Independence

¨  Optimism

¨  Trust

¨  Telephone and Letter Habits

Assessing LDRs

¨  Assess

–   Demographics

–   Personality

–   Support System

–   Relationship

¨  Separation Inventory

Assessing an LDR: Support

¨   Types of Support

–    Emotional

–    Appraisal

–    Informational

–    Instrumental

¨   Sources of Support

–    Partner

–    Family

–    Friends

–    Context

Assessing LDRs

¨  Assess

–   Demographics

–   Personality

–   Support System

–   Relationship

¨  Separation Inventory

Assessing an LDR: Relationship

¨  Issues specific to LDRs

–   Communication issues

–   Expectations

–   Conflict Management

•   Telephone

PART III – SUPPORTING LDRs

Long Distance Relationships

¨  Understand LDRs

¨  Assess LDRs

¨  Support LDRs

Supporting LDRs

¨   Emotional Stages of Separation

¨   Staying Emotionally Healthy

¨   Maintaining Intimacy

¨   Frequency of Contact

¨   Hellos & Goodbyes

¨   Conflict at a Distance

¨   Long Distance Sex

¨   Sexual Affairs

¨   Dating Others

¨   Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting LDRs:

Understanding Separation

¨   Emotional Stages of Separation

–    Bowlby / Animal Studies / Evolutionary Psych

•    Protest (Anger, Bargaining)

•    Despair (Depression to various degrees)

•    Detachment (Productive or Destructive)

–    Kubler-Ross

•    Denial and Isolation

•    Anger

•    Bargaining

•    Depression

•    Acceptance

Supporting LDRs

¨   Emotional Stages of Separation

¨   Staying Emotionally Healthy

¨   Maintaining Intimacy

¨   Frequency of Contact

¨   Hellos & Goodbyes

¨   Conflict at a Distance

¨   Long Distance Sex

¨   Sexual Affairs

¨   Dating Others

¨   Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting LDRs: Staying Emotionally Healthy

Ten Step Program